For Debbie

I wrote this on Saturday July 13, the day that I found out about my sister, Debbie's death. Been holding off sharing it while my family adjusted to the news, and while I adjusted. Not looking for feedback on this.

And, for my family, I hope with all my heart that none of what follows deepens your pain and grief in any way....

For Debbie

My sister died today.

Debbie.

Deborah Ann Patricia Delorme.

Well. I don’t know yet if she died today or if she was just found today.

My big sister, Debbie.

We are such a terribly sad family. So trapped in the things that were done to us. In the past. In the things that we never got from each other.

I don’t know how she died yet.

I just know that she’s gone.

Debbie was always the one who could laugh. I don’t know if the laughter was always real. Most of the time it probably wasn’t. But at  least she could do that. She could laugh even if it wasn’t real. Most of the time the rest of us didn’t see what was so funny but she would laugh anyway and she would try to have fun even though nothing about our world was usually fun, she would at least try.

I just know right now that she’s gone.

I cried for a bit but mostly that was because I didn’t know what else to do.

I love her. 

I loved her.

She was my sister.

She is my big sister.

But right now I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel except sad, and I’ve been sad for so long now. I’ve been more sad than usual this week. 

Maybe I was somehow mourning for her in advance.

Most of us knew that this day would almost certainly come, but we tried to ignore the inevitability away somehow. Debbie lived a hard life. We all did, but Debbie more than most of us. Some of it she chose and some of it happened to her, much of that before she was even old enough to know the difference.

I dreamed about her last night. I don’t know what the dream was, whether it was a happy or a sad dream, just that she was in it  and then I woke up to find out that she’s not in this world anymore.

At the exact moment, at the exact moment that my friend Alana finished telling me that Debbie was dead, it began to rain. It began to storm. Thunder and lightning. Heavy rain.

Heaven wept for my sister.

Heaven wept for Debbie.

She was the only one of us who could laugh.

Which in our screwed up out of proportion fun show rear view mirror world meant that she was probably the most unhappy of us.

I knew that.

Of all of us I am the one who can’t pretend that I didn’t know that.

She trusted me most of all. And I should have done something to help her. Despite being older than me Debbie was naive and innocent in a way that no one else could see right up until the end. I could have helped her before the real trouble started, before other lives, too many innocent lives got destroyed, but I was too busy surviving and when all that you’re doing is surviving you only see your needs and wants and that’s all that I took care of. I loved her but I did nothing to ease the terrible pressure, the horrible undertow of sadness that was hidden underneath the laughter.

I failed her.

And I failed all those who came after her.

I know that my sister is dead today.

I found out that Debbie was dead today.

I will cry.

I know the tears, with the realization, the deep realization that she is gone, will come.

And then the real grief will come.

And I will weep.

And I will rage.

And I will grow more lonely and small because my big sister isn’t in this world anymore.

Perhaps I will scream and perhaps I will contemplate, for one more of the so many that they have become immeasurable times, leaving this world behind.

I won’t do it.

There are too many people who care about me even when I cannot care about myself to do that.

And I never could stay down for the count. I could never tap out.

Instead I’ll go forward with my wounds gaping more than they were before this moment when I picked up the phone, with a heart more torn and aching than it did before.

And I will miss my sister, Debbie just a little bit more.

I will miss my big sister, my friend and often my fiercest defender.

I will miss you, Debbie, with all of my fractured heart.

I will miss you, my sister, not because you were my sister, but because I loved you, I love you, because you have been my friend my confidant my protector and because in so many ways, you believed me to be better than I was and in so many ways you made me better than I was.

I will miss you, Debbie.

I already miss you.

I already miss you so much.

So very much more than these mere words could ever say.

My sister died today.

Debbie.

Deborah Ann Patricia Delorme.

Well. I don’t know yet if she died today or if she was just found today.

My big sister, Debbie.

We are such a terribly sad family. So trapped in the things that were done to us. In the past. In the things that we never got from each other.

I don’t know how she died yet.

I just know that she’s gone.

Debbie was always the one who could laugh. I don’t know if the laughter was always real. Most of the time it probably wasn’t. But at  least she could do that. She could laugh even if it wasn’t real. Most of the time the rest of us didn’t see what was so funny but she would laugh anyway and she would try to have fun even though nothing about our world was usually fun, she would at least try.

I just know right now that she’s gone.

I cried for a bit but mostly that was because I didn’t know what else to do.

I love her. 

I loved her.

She was my sister.

She is my big sister.

But right now I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel except sad, and I’ve been sad for so long now. I’ve been more sad than usual this week. 

Maybe I was somehow mourning for her in advance.

Most of us knew that this day would almost certainly come, but we tried to ignore the inevitability away somehow. Debbie lived a hard life. We all did, but Debbie more than most of us. Some of it she chose and some of it happened to her, much of that before she was even old enough to know the difference.

I dreamed about her last night. I don’t know what the dream was, whether it was a happy or a sad dream, just that she was in it  and then I woke up to find out that she’s not in this world anymore.

At the exact moment, at the exact moment that my friend Alana finished telling me that Debbie was dead, it began to rain. It began to storm. Thunder and lightning. Heavy rain.

Heaven wept for my sister.

Heaven wept for Debbie.

She was the only one of us who could laugh.

Which in our screwed up out of proportion fun show rear view mirror world meant that she was probably the most unhappy of us.

I knew that.

Of all of us I am the one who can’t pretend that I didn’t know that.

She trusted me most of all. And I should have done something to help her. Despite being older than me Debbie was naive and innocent in a way that no one else could see right up until the end. I could have helped her before the real trouble started, before other lives, too many innocent lives got destroyed, but I was too busy surviving and when all that you’re doing is surviving you only see your needs and wants and that’s all that I took care of. I loved her but I did nothing to ease the terrible pressure, the horrible undertow of sadness that was hidden underneath the laughter.

I failed her.

And I failed all those who came after her.

I know that my sister is dead today.

I found out that Debbie was dead today.

I will cry.

I know the tears, with the realization, the deep realization that she is gone, will come.

And then the real grief will come.

And I will weep.

And I will rage.

And I will grow more lonely and small because my big sister isn’t in this world anymore.

Perhaps I will scream and perhaps I will contemplate, for one more of the so many that they have become immeasurable times, leaving this world behind.

I won’t do it.

There are too many people who care about me even when I cannot care about myself to do that.

And I never could stay down for the count. I could never tap out.

Instead I’ll go forward with my wounds gaping more than they were before this moment when I picked up the phone, with a heart more torn and aching than it did before.

And I will miss my sister, Debbie just a little bit more.

I will miss my big sister, my friend and often my fiercest defender.

I will miss you, Debbie, with all of my fractured heart.

I will miss you, my sister, not because you were my sister, but because I loved you, I love you, because you have been my friend my confidant my protector and because in so many ways, you believed me to be better than I was and in so many ways you made me better than I was.

I will miss you, Debbie.

I already miss you.

I already miss you so much.

So very much more than these mere words could ever say.

My sister died today.

Debbie.

Deborah Ann Patricia Delorme.

Well. I don’t know yet if she died today or if she was just found today.

My big sister, Debbie.

We are such a terribly sad family. So trapped in the things that were done to us. In the past. In the things that we never got from each other.

I don’t know how she died yet.

I just know that she’s gone.

Debbie was always the one who could laugh. I don’t know if the laughter was always real. Most of the time it probably wasn’t. But at  least she could do that. She could laugh even if it wasn’t real. Most of the time the rest of us didn’t see what was so funny but she would laugh anyway and she would try to have fun even though nothing about our world was usually fun, she would at least try.

I just know right now that she’s gone.

I cried for a bit but mostly that was because I didn’t know what else to do.

I love her. 

I loved her.

She was my sister.

She is my big sister.

But right now I don’t know what I’m supposed to feel except sad, and I’ve been sad for so long now. I’ve been more sad than usual this week. 

Maybe I was somehow mourning for her in advance.

Most of us knew that this day would almost certainly come, but we tried to ignore the inevitability away somehow. Debbie lived a hard life. We all did, but Debbie more than most of us. Some of it she chose and some of it happened to her, much of that before she was even old enough to know the difference.

I dreamed about her last night. I don’t know what the dream was, whether it was a happy or a sad dream, just that she was in it  and then I woke up to find out that she’s not in this world anymore.

At the exact moment, at the exact moment that my friend Alana finished telling me that Debbie was dead, it began to rain. It began to storm. Thunder and lightning. Heavy rain.

Heaven wept for my sister.

Heaven wept for Debbie.

She was the only one of us who could laugh.

Which in our screwed up out of proportion fun show rear view mirror world meant that she was probably the most unhappy of us.

I knew that.

Of all of us I am the one who can’t pretend that I didn’t know that.

She trusted me most of all. And I should have done something to help her. Despite being older than me Debbie was naive and innocent in a way that no one else could see right up until the end. I could have helped her before the real trouble started, before other lives, too many innocent lives got destroyed, but I was too busy surviving and when all that you’re doing is surviving you only see your needs and wants and that’s all that I took care of. I loved her but I did nothing to ease the terrible pressure, the horrible undertow of sadness that was hidden underneath the laughter.

I failed her.

And I failed all those who came after her.

I know that my sister is dead today.

I found out that Debbie was dead today.

I will cry.

I know the tears, with the realization, the deep realization that she is gone, will come.

And then the real grief will come.

And I will weep.

And I will rage.

And I will grow more lonely and small because my big sister isn’t in this world anymore.

Perhaps I will scream and perhaps I will contemplate, for one more of the so many that they have become immeasurable times, leaving this world behind.

I won’t do it.

There are too many people who care about me even when I cannot care about myself to do that.

And I never could stay down for the count. I could never tap out.

Instead I’ll go forward with my wounds gaping more than they were before this moment when I picked up the phone, with a heart more torn and aching than it did before.

And I will miss my sister, Debbie just a little bit more.

I will miss my big sister, my friend and often my fiercest defender.

I will miss you, Debbie, with all of my fractured heart.

I will miss you, my sister, not because you were my sister, but because I loved you, I love you, because you have been my friend my confidant my protector and because in so many ways, you believed me to be better than I was and in so many ways you made me better than I was.

I will miss you, Debbie.

I already miss you.

I already miss you so much.

So very much more than these mere words could ever say.

#writing #writer #writers #poetry #poem #poems #poet #JulesDelorme #JulesFDelorme #delormewriting #ScatboroughWritersFightClub #DebbieDelorme #DeborahDelorme #DeborahAnnPatriciaDelorme