HUMMINGBIRD – RAÓNRAON – SPIRIT ANIMAL



On the face of it Raónraon, Hummingbird seems like a sign and an animal that is the polar opposite of what it is that I’m living right now. I have had some serious health problems lately. Seizures, brain damage with increasingly failing memory. I’ve lost so many souls and am still losing so many souls that I dearly love. As a trainer, my primary occupation for the last very long while I am having a difficult time finding a new place to train the few clients that I have left and I am just not the trainer that I used to be. And, despite having lived a soul crushing life, whether it was manifested in rage, deep wracking grief or an always existing desire to be better than what I have been given, I have never ever lacked some kind of passion. I have been depressed. I have been suicidal. I have been homicidal. I have loved and had my heart broken so many times that the fragments seem like they will never fit together again. And I have made so many people fall in love with me and broken so many hearts that the sheer guilt of knowing what I have done to so many who deserved so much better than me has left me with the certainty that I deserve nothing better than the pain and the sorrow that I have always known and always seem to spread. But I have never felt this numbness, this coldness, this nihilistic darkness that engulfs me now. I don’t want to be here. I don’t want to go on. So the lightness and the energy of Raónraon seems out of place in my life right now. I have never felt less like I could identify in any way with Hummingbird than right now. But what Samuel Beckett, one of the writers that I love most of all, wrote: “I Can’t Go On. I Will Go On.”, has always echoed in my soul, and echoes far more deeply at this moment. And if there’s one thing that Hummingbird, Raónraon does more than any other creature that I can name is to Go On. Perhaps I cannot feel the joy for life that Raónraon seems to embody. Perhaps I never will again. Perhaps it feels, and will forever feel like I will never again go through life with Raónraon’s great energy and vivacity. Perhaps I can no longer believe, as I have always believed, that things will get better eventually. Perhaps my soul feels only the blackness of the darkest and coldest night. Perhaps I will never again feel like I can go on. And perhaps that is Raónraon’s message for me today. That I Will Go On. I may never again find or taste the sweet nectar and beauty of life, even at its worst. Perhaps. And perhaps not. It does feel like I can’t go on right now. But what I hear from Raónraon today, at this moment, is that I Will Go On. I cannot be the Hummingbird right now. But I can still sense her beauty, even if I cannot feel it. And that, for now, just for now, is enough. I Will Go On. Thank you, Niawen’kó:wa, Raónraon. For flying close to me today. And for being.
#spiritanimal #shamanoracle #totem #hummingbird #raónraon #totem #shaman #oracle #animal #animalspirit #animslspiritguide #totemanimals  #julesdelorme #julesfdelorme #delormewriting #native #animals #birds #shaman #oracle #totem #totemanimal #shamansymbols

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